This is Me

Celebrating 100 Spontaneous Me Posts!

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me . .”—lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul from the musical The Greatest Showman

(Keala Settle as the fierce and rebellious Lettie Lutz, the Bearded Lady singing “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman.)

From the moment I set eyes on the Bearded Lady in the musical motion picture, The Greatest Showman, I knew I had found my ultimate hero.

Broken but bold, fragile but fearless, shattered but unrelenting in her pursuit for justice and liberation, she glows onscreen as an androgynous spirit guide. As she began to sing those first lyrics to the movie’s anthem, I found myself completely transformed by her raw honesty and unapologetic bravery: “I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars, run away, they say, no one will love you as you are.”

And as her energy rises, and her fearlessness expands, she steals the audience away with her.

The film’s primary narrative focuses on a show business entertainer and visionary, Phineas Taylor Barnum, who rose from a humble beginning to create a circus spectacle that resonated with the entire world. Orphaned and penniless, Barnum’s determination and focused ambition drives him to tell impossible tales that blur the line between fiction and truth. His gift for convincing storytelling compels his family and initial supporters to believe in his uncanny notions as he dreams himself into the spotlight.

As the story develops, Barnum’s initial attempts at enticing crowds to his events was to add so-called "freak" performers: the 500 pound man, the Albino Twins, the Dog Boy, a pair of Chinese acrobats, and among these individuals is a Bearded Lady known in the film as Lettie Lutz, played brilliantly by stage veteran, Keala Settle. However, the role of the Bearded Lady was based on the real life story of Annie Jones.

(The story of Lettie Lutz in the film is based on the real Bearded Lady known as Annie Jones.)

Born in Virginia in 1865, Jones’ career began as part of the Barnum Museum’s exhibition, “The Infant Esau.” Her parents were offered a contract and for 36 years, Jones was put on display in a sideshow that emphasized her hirsutism, a condition that causes excessive hair growth all over the body. Her career traveling the world with Barnum in his “Greatest Show on Earth,” became legendary.

In the film, we see the bearded Lutz taking on the constant humiliation and degradation of being different. Labeled an outcast, finding her self-worth in the steady stream of strangers who pay to gape at her sideshow antics, Lutz reaches a psychological climax where she is finally able to declare that nothing is more important than to own her unique characteristics and claim her “glorious” selfhood.

As a somewhat introverted gay man coming of age in the eighties, I know all too well what it’s like to be labeled a castaway, and to be told, as the anthem points out, “we don’t want your broken parts.”

Back then, I used long distance traveling as a way to escape from my daily routine and lean away from my inner turmoil and the need for quiet self reflection. Extended road trips where I could mesh with the scenery, or become anonymous in exotic attractions, were activities I craved. I even wrote a book about this kind of compulsive wanderlust—Postcards From Heartthrob Town is a compilation of my short travel stories that examines what happens when foreign places become complicated escapes and often times, mere substitutes for real heart-to-heart connections.

I was always looking outward at some new destination to conquer, some new country to explore. But that colossal distraction kept me from looking within myself for answers as to why I was always insulated when it came to committing to a relationship, or why I had such persistent low self-esteem.

The marginalized Lettie Lutz has become for me an emblem of someone who has reclaimed her power. I’ve adopted her stirring movie anthem, as my own, because it is symbolic of a major paradigm shift that has happily and solidly occurred within me

I have reinterpreted travel now as moving towards something—a sense of freedom and integrity within myself, a wholeness and connectedness with nature and mystery—and I welcome in a guiding, liberating spirit that moves through me and helps me to manage my life, my pilgrimages, and my writing projects.

I offer all of this up to you my beloved readers, here in my weekly travelogue, Spontaneous Me.

For those of you who are just getting to know me, I’m an American expat, poet, memoirist, and former university English professor, who spontaneously moved abroad to Barcelona, Spain after the pandemic.

I value tapping into one’s pure intuition over following a prescriptive map.

My weekly content highlights travel locations that evoke a sense of wonder and enchantment, offering epiphanies from meaningful trips I’ve taken and sparks from travel mentors and “on the road” companions.

I look forward to the next 100 posts and to serving my growing Substack community.

Resources

I tend to lean into “live” performances, so Keala Settle’s stunning performance of “This is Me” at the Royal Albert Hall in London is worth multiple viewings

The fictional character of Lettie Lutz brings to mind a modern day “bearded” singer, Conchita Wurst. Dressed as Conchita, Thomas Neuwirth won the Eurovision song contest representing Austria, with “Rise Like a Phoenix”, in 2014. Neuwirth invented this drag queen persona to empower others as a role model for fierce strength and determination. In a 2014 interview, Neuwirth stated that the inclusion of the beard as part of the Conchita character was “a statement to say that you can achieve anything, no matter who you are or how you look.” Check out the riveting Eurovision performance of “Phoenix” right here.

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(All photos by Gerard Wozek or in alignment with Creative Commons)